It’s that feeling. You know, when it seems as though you’re juggling the world; if you stop for a second to breathe everything will come crashing down, and will land in shattered pieces around your feet. At that point you either kick the broken pieces under the furniture and start anew, or you gather the remains, lay them thoughtfully on the table, and tearfully try to put them all back together.
That is sort of how I feel today. Although I can’t be sure it is homeschooling that is causing it, it is definitely an element being thrown around amongst every other responsibility that seems equally of utmost importance: taking care of our house (I won’t even go there, but you’re welcome to read about this in previous posts), tending to Molly’s needs (reading, coloring, painting, giggling on the floor, being carefree), taking care of myself (exercising, reading grown-up books, focusing on my relationship with God), and Jackson (slowing down enough to really notice each other, listening to him babble about work – even when I have my own issues to deal with, taking time to appreciate the other’s efforts).
When I feel like this I usually wait until I have figured some great solution before posting about it; that way I can redeem myself by the end of the post with something wonderfully tearful to draw it all together to make sense of everything. I haven’t reached that point yet, and actually, I’m not even close to understanding exactly how to make this all work. Juggling the world is an incredibly fantastic trick that it seems some homeschooling mothers have tackled, or at least, that is how it seems from the outside looking in. I often wonder if others think the same thing looking at us. I wonder if some parents I have spoken with who say, “I could never homeschool,” usually do so because it seems if someone homeschools they must have it all together, giving up a piece of their tendency to be…well…human.
So here I am, pushing my way through another day of homeschooling with Jane. As she works on her math, a subject she isn’t very fond of, I never regret this decision we have made, but I can’t say that I don’t wonder about the “what if”.
What if I could drop her off every day at school, having Tuesdays and Thursdays all to myself with Annie in school as well? What if the house was clean every day? What if I was able to go back to school myself to complete my degree? What if Jackson and I both worked outside of the home? What if we were more financially capable (because we both worked) to send all three girls through private school? What if…what if…what if? That can be a dangerous question to ask.
A few years ago – when, of course, I was feeling this same way – a really great friend simply said, “It’s not about what if! It’s about what is!” That will stick with me for forever, and I am ever grateful for her putting something that seems so complicated into something so simple; although, not always easy to work with. Afterall, it means a great deal of sacrificing. Yes, being a stay-at-home and a homeschooling mom means a short while of setting aside some of your own goals and dreams. It means that you sit down and really determine what you will focus on, and what is most important to you. Is it having more money, thus more stability from two working parents? Is it having your children at home and being able to kiss their booboos every day, read to them every time they bring you a chewed up board book, or teaching them life lessons at the moment the opportunity presents itself? Is it worth sacrificing pieces of yourself to do what you know is best for enriching the lives of your children, even if it means at times you will forget to notice how that sacrifice is also enriching for you? Finally, where does God fit into all of this?
Although I am quiet about sharing my spiritual side – the fact that when I pray to God, or sit in Mass and look above the altar at the bronzed risen Christ that hangs there, it’s as though my veins start pumping the purest, deepest color of love – it is a huge part of who I am. The fact that I have no choice, but to be human (yes, didn’t we cover that in an earlier paragraph?) leaves me often vunerable to the confusion and temptation to forget what is important. Also, I know that no matter how spiritual I can be, I am still only human, which gives me some excuse to say that there is always room for improvement spiritually. For example, when there are those times that I forget to notice God in everything. I forget that through struggle and sacrifice He is there, always. I forget that when I make a decision in which I ask Him for grace, He provides that, but it is up to me to recognize it and live by it. Most importantly, I forget that with Him, it isn’t up to me to juggle the world because it is an impossible task in which the weight coming down on your shoulders can be enough to hammer you into the ground.
As I sit here today – working with Jane while Molly frequently passes by with the unmistakable scent of a diaper that needs to be changed, with a feeling of distance between Jackson and I, with a desire to do better, with a desire to understand and appreciate my gifts, with a series of dangerous “what ifs” circling through my head – I have to stop and breathe deeply. I have to pray endlessly for His grace. I have to feel His spirit in my veins. I have to understand that life is bigger than our own personal goals and achievements. I have to remember that, although I am sacrificing a lot to be sitting here today and although there is a world of possibility beyond this dining room table, I made this decision to be here for reasons that really and truly do make the sacrifice worth it.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray that today that you will help me to begin to see things more clearly. I pray that you remind me of why I have made the decisions I have made. I pray that in doing so, you help me to rain your grace down onto my children and Jackson. I pray that at the same time, you help me to never forget that grace is a gift from you. I pray that you help me to use the gift of grace to eliminate the “what ifs” in my life and never forget to appreciate the “what is”. I pray that you continue to help me see that juggling the world is impossible, but that when I am stubborn and try to do so, and when those pieces inevitably fall, you will help me to put them back together, while at the same time removing the heavy weight of it all. I pray… I pray… I pray… never-ending, forever, and always.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Ahem…referencing paragraph 3….you HAVE figured out the great solution! You are in exactly the right place doing exactly the right work God has called you to do 🙂 God will always provide exactly what you need (even the challenges), and as long as you don’t lose your focus on Him, then there’s nothing left to figure out 🙂
You’re doing a great job – keep it up!
Katrina
Caroline,
Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t be discouraged, for the Lord has guided you this far! You are doing exactly what you feel is right in your heart. As mothers we will always question what we’re doing! As far as the house goes, I feel your pain! The only advice I can offer is to not be afraid to use large black garbage bags! Also, on a beautiful day like today, you are most likely able to spend hours outside with your kiddos. Treasure those moments that make homeschooling so worth it! Being at home, curled up with books and just loving on those beautiful babies God blessed you and Jackson with. Keep your eye on the prize and don’t lose hope! Hang in there! Let’s do an informal recess and coffee date soon! Call me when you guys get back from Disney! Loves to all the Brownlees!!!
Katrina and Haley,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It means a lot, and feels good to know I have a network of such great friends who always have such great, sound advice to give. 🙂
-Caroline
As far as the panicked, overwhelmed feeling we all get it. Here’s how you get out of it: Remember that Satan discourages and God encourages. Any thoughts and feelings that bring you down and are not constructive are not from Him. Take 20 extra minutes in the morning before the kids get up and offer a decade for each worry on your list. Spend time with your husband, but instead of unloading on him, just listen to his needs. You are overwhelmed and it tends to shut husbands down. Last thing, I give you permission to drop the ball. It’s OK if things don’t get done. Don’t put yourself up to a level of perfection that God doesn’t even require. I pray in the mornings, “God help me to do your will today, nothing more and nothing less.” Then let it all go and just do your best. God bless.
Caroline,
Just read this one tonight and it made me think that there is that there is no right or wrong way to be a mommy. As mothers, we often fall into the blame game where we blame ourselves for not being able to be everything to everyone. I also play the “what if” game and often feel guilty for not being able to be with Coop all day when I am at work. I try and remember that in the grand scheme of things, we both are lucky to have healthy, happy families, children that love us and husbands that heplful and supportive of our choices and that’s truly the most important thing.
I agree, Michelle. And, yes, that blame game is harsh for mothers, which is funny b/c we are the ones beating ourselves with the stick. I think for moms who work you ask, “What if I didn’t work?” For those of us who stay at home we think, “What if I did work?” There’s always that question of what we might be missing out on by making a different choice. At the end of the day you just have to look around and really feel what is present: smart, happy children; a wonderful husband; a comfortable home; wonderful experiences to share with the people you love more than anything. Even with all of that we can sometimes fail to know that what is right in front of us is one of the great gifts of life and that is simply a wonderful family – how we each choose to care for that family will vary, but the love in our hearts is equally the same.
I love it. I love this post, it is the quintessential post for Mamas. But Katrina is right. You’ve got this. It’s like working out when you just don’t want to, and even after you feel like it wasn’t a great work out. Who cares? It’s the doing that matters, not the feelings about it.
P.S. You and Haley have inspired me to get back to my blog
http://halfdozhalfbaked.blogspot.com/